December Is Sick Season By Susan McLean

December is sick season, and if you're not sick yet, you're likely surrounded by people coughing and sputtering green mucus out at least two orifices. If you're anything like me, you're more than willing to do anything to avoid catching whatever those plebeians are sick with. Nobody wants to ring in the new year hacking up a lung or snuffling all night.

Everybody says to stay hydrated, drink plenty of water, tea, liquids that will nourish and replenish your immune system. it's not bad advice, but I say exclusively drink alcohol. Alcohol kills germs, sickness is caused by germs, this shit is foolproof.

They say to get plenty of sleep, that sleep repairs you at a cellular level and can do a world of good. Forget plenty of sleep and don't even get out of bed. Germs can't get you if you don't leave the cozy sanctuary of your bed? plan ahead, grab a bottle of whiskey and a box of White Cheddar Cheez-Its and hunker down. 

Vitamin C is supposed to support immune health and help you ward off sickness. Go ape-shit. Bite into that orange like it's an apple. Peeling is for quitters. If you can't take it, then you deserve to be sick.

Hand washing is the number one way to eliminate germs, but you're not always near a sink. Purell and other hand sanitizing products really come in handy, but why stop at putting them on your hands. Bathe in hand sanitizer to kill 99.9% of dangerous germs. Plus, it's an easy way to find any cut or scrape on your body. 

There you have it, the Official Bruised Knuckles Punk Rock Guide To Never Getting Sick Again. In all seriousness, I've been sick for the past month and it's total shit, so stay healthy guys. 

Note: if you actually do any of this dumb shit, you deserve the consequences, it's very obviously satire